u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
