i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
