That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
