I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
