My sheets look like a crime scene.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
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My penis needs a shock collar
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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