Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
