Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
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Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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