If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
