Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
