Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
