I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
no, he came in my armpit
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
