I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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