Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
50% drunk capacity currently
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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