He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
