I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Houston, we have a squirter
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
