I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
