It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
