The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
