I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
