I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
