Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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