I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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