...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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