no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just invented taco cereal.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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