living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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