My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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