The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
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I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
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... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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