I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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