We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
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dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
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you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.