My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
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he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
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I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible