Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
