at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.