Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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