Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
