I think I won the penis lottery.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
