Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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