I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
