I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Randomize
