Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
