you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The uberlube is also flammable
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
