we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
