My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
