woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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