Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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