At least make sure they are 18
Why
wrigley field is MILF paradise
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
