We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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