If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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