My liver just broke up with me...
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
