im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
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