he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
