I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
