i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
