why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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