I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
