you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
