i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
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Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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