I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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