brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
