Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
