The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
