Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
