An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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