Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
