Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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